One thing I like about video games is that they almost always provide you with a variety of means to accomplish a goal. And when the goal is as simple as hitting an enemy with whatever you’re holding, you’ll want to make sure that you can accomplish this virtual murder with as much brutality, efficiency or finesse. That being said, I’d like to share a few of the weapons that I had fun using but aren’t getting any good exposure in recent video games of late.
For God and Carnage!
- Scepters (First Prominent Appearance: Diablo III)
If the basic principle of destroying the opposition is by blunt trauma, then there’s no other weapon that screams “holy badassery”, “royal bludgeoning” and “ohgodnotthefacenottheface” like a scepter does. These sticks adorned with gold and gems that you normally see being held by saints and gods alike are perfect tools to deliver divine retribution to any blockhead that you fancy on hitting in the face. But wait, how can you say that, mister weaponmonger? Aren’t scepters anything but status symbols for the noble and the holy?
Turns out, history says otherwise: during the early times in Egypt, scepters are for the rich and holy, but they’re anything but ornate, holy or expensively adorned. They’re simply sticks made of very hard wood and are treated as actual weapons of royalty to which they can hit both invader and idiot subject alike. Video game-wise, scepters are aptly used by the lawful good classes in Diablo and Dungeons and Dragons games, but any other game would prefer arms that are much more efficient in turning anyone into a bloody mess. Talk about lack of class!
Funny how back then we used to care more about the ass-kicking than the pizza.
2. Bo Staff (First Prominent Appearance: Every TMNT video game ever)
Any kid who grew into the childhood filled with G.I. Joe action figures, Transformer toys and cartoon programs about anthropomorphic turtles that usually air right after the afternoon nap would fantasize using any of Leonardo’s, Raphael’s, Michelangelo’s or Donatello’s weapons of choice. And with long sticks being of more abundance than a pair of sai conspicuously lying around, any action-packed kid would like to also imagine using Donatello’s signature weapon while accidentally hitting Daddy’s mug as the hot piping coffee spills on his face and shirt and earning you a session of butt-spanking.
Ah, but again, history leads the way. The bo staff is considered one of the oldest Asian weapons, originating from Japan and China in various lengths and sizes. Bojutsu is considered one of the oldest forms of martial arts, and that it is considered one of the most convenient in that the only thing you need is a wooden stick more than half as long as you are. Common moves of Bojutsu include sweeping strikes, thrusts and reaching swings. Could’ve been perfect in any melee, but I guess the stereotypical preference for bladed weapons trumps any age-old whacking stick, and that’s just sad.
Link demonstrates a whole new way of heckling at your corrupt politicians!
3. Slingshots (First Prominent Appearance: The Goonies)
Oh yeah, ye olde stone flinger. Any boy or girl who hasn’t played with one of these things certainly is missing a good part of their childhood and trouble. Whether it’s hitting empty cans, your neighbor’s window or the head of the bald, grumpy uncle living adjacent to your house, the slingshot is the surefire and innocent way of projectile launching since the trebuchet of Medieval England. It’s our go-to weapon for long-range skull caving before guns and rubber were even invented! Why would games remove this trusty weapon from a hero’s arsenal?
Maybe because early slingshots require an able-bodied person to build momentum in order to fling stones. And these aren’t ordinary stones the size of a pebble, people. These are rocks can be as big as a car’s disk brake and twice as heavy as a motorcycle tire. If you watched Apocalypto, then you know getting hit by these things will surely kill, but you’ll also have to worry about flinging the stone first.
